A year ago I had my first appointment with a fertility specialist, my only concern was that I was 37 years old and not pregnant. We had only been trying for 6 months, but at my age I knew time was of the essence and I didn’t want to waste anymore. I figured he would give me a pill to jump start my pipes and we would be starting our family in no time! That easy right?!?
In the last year I had three rounds of Clomid, four IUIs, two IVFs….not even a hint of a pregnancy.
In November I turned 38, and I received the call from my doctor that my day 3 blood tests weren’t the best. My estrodial (e2) was 163…ideal is around 70. Not good. And then came the hardest advice I never expected to hear, “you truly need to start considering domestic adoption or donor eggs”. What?!? I was only 38…my cycles have been good, with no problems…surely he was mistaken. I was devastated.
I wasn’t ready to give up. I had already done the Clomid and a couple IUIs with another doctor, but this new doctor, was well….new. So I opted for another IUI. The first IUI seemed to go well, everything progressed as expected but due to the Thanksgiving holiday we had to do the IUI earlier than expected…needless to say I wasn’t surprised when it didn’t work out. The 2nd IUI snuck up on us and we ended up rushing the procedure….my poor husband had to cancel a meeting to ‘provide his sample’, so again, I wasn’t surprised when it didn’t work. The third IUI didn’t even make it due to timing. Again, I got the talk about adoption or donor eggs….instead I opted for IVF. Why not. Modern science will definitely get me pregnant….right?!?
Not when your eggs are broken.
Both IVFs produced 4 eggs….not the best, and not the ‘ones’. So after many tears I am here….reviewing profiles for potential donors. It is bittersweet really…I’m saddened that our baby will not have my eyes, or my nose, but I am also relieved that our baby will not have my father’s alcoholism or my mother’s mental issues. There truly is a silver lining to everything!
So now I spend my time viewing pictures….trying to find ‘my nose’ and ‘my eyes’, reading profiles to find someone that has my dreams, and my ambitions. I can be an elitist….I want beauty, compassion, smarts, good parents, good genes. How often in life do you get to find ‘you’ minus ‘the faults’. The funny thing is…I am drawn to what I always saw as faults (physically)….strawberry blonde hair, fair skin, freckles. I even find myself wondering if the donor has my long toes. I guess in the end it is my faults that make me ‘me’ 🙂
I am not sure how long this journey will be….I am not patient, but I know it will take time. This is an expensive process, emotionally and financially. We will take our time.