Can You Handle Infertility?

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Read a wonderfully written blog today on the whole emotional roller coaster of infertility and overall toll it takes on your spirit, body, mind.

Can You Handle Infertility???.

I cannot agree with her top 5 more!  I consider myself to be a pretty strong cookie…I have survived a lot in my life…but infertility took its toll on me.  It was honestly today…almost 20 months after my first infertility appointment…that I felt ‘good’, like the ol’ me.  For those 20 months, I was consumed by what my body couldn’t do, by the hormones, the pills, the shots, the appointments, the disappointment, the tears, the compromises, the money.  But now as I look at my growing belly…and every time I hear that heartbeat….I would do it all again, even the vag pills 🙂

 

Finding my calm

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ImageThis is perfect.  We are a month…36 days to be exact….into the ‘donor’ process and I feel like we have not made any progress.  Come on people!  my biological clock is ticking…and LOUD.  Maybe that is why I am having trouble sleeping.  So finding this little gem on Pinterest was perfect.  A gentle reminder for me to take a breath…and find my calm.

In the last month I have found several ‘perfect’ donors….the first one was already spoken for, the second was leaving on a study abroad program, the third didn’t want to travel once her Master’s program started, the fourth couldn’t travel due to school…ugh! 

Ideally, we would like a local donor thru our doctor’s office…this of course is the cheapest option and heaven knows we are not looking to completely empty our savings, but of course we are prepared.  This week my doctor’s DE coordinator called to let me know she had some new donors and would keep me updated on their availability….I’m waiting on pins & needles!  And as luck would have it our 5th choice though an agency is actually available AND willing to travel.  Yippee….we are moving.  Not sure if the direction is forward, but there is definite movement.

But of course, we now wait.  Again. Still waiting for the profiles of the new donors and trying to keep #5 on the back-burner as a back-up plan.

So as this all gets straightened  out…I will stay calm, not hurry, and trust the process.

And so it begins…

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A year ago I had my first appointment with a fertility specialist, my only concern was that I was 37 years old and not pregnant.  We had only been trying for 6 months, but at my age I knew time was of the essence and I didn’t want to waste anymore.  I figured he would give me a pill to jump start my pipes and we would be starting our family in no time! That easy right?!?  

In the last year I had three rounds of Clomid, four IUIs, two IVFs….not even a hint of a pregnancy.

In November I turned 38, and I received the call from my doctor that my day 3 blood tests weren’t the best.  My estrodial (e2) was 163…ideal is around 70.  Not good.  And then came the hardest advice I never expected to hear, “you truly need to start considering domestic adoption or donor eggs”.  What?!?  I was only 38…my cycles have been good, with no problems…surely he was mistaken.  I was devastated.

I wasn’t ready to give up.  I had already done the Clomid and a couple IUIs with another doctor, but this new doctor, was well….new. So I opted for another IUI.  The first IUI seemed to go well, everything progressed as expected but due to the Thanksgiving holiday we had to do the IUI earlier than expected…needless to say I wasn’t surprised when it didn’t work out.  The 2nd IUI snuck up on us and we ended up rushing the procedure….my poor husband had to cancel a meeting to ‘provide his sample’, so again, I wasn’t surprised when it didn’t work.  The third IUI didn’t even make it due to timing.  Again, I got the talk about adoption or donor eggs….instead I opted for IVF.  Why not.  Modern science will definitely get me pregnant….right?!?

Not when your eggs are broken.

Both IVFs produced 4 eggs….not the best, and not the ‘ones’.  So after many tears I am here….reviewing profiles for potential donors.  It is bittersweet really…I’m saddened that our baby will not have my eyes, or my nose, but I am also relieved that our baby will not have my father’s alcoholism or my mother’s mental issues.  There truly is a  silver lining to everything!

So now I spend my time viewing pictures….trying to find ‘my nose’ and ‘my eyes’, reading profiles to find someone that has my dreams, and my ambitions.  I can be an elitist….I want beauty, compassion, smarts, good parents, good genes.  How often in life do you get to find ‘you’ minus ‘the faults’.  The funny thing is…I am drawn to what I always saw as faults (physically)….strawberry blonde hair, fair skin, freckles.  I even find myself wondering if the donor has my long toes.  I guess in the end it is my faults that make me ‘me’ 🙂

I am not sure how long this journey will be….I am not patient, but I know it will take time.  This is an expensive process, emotionally and financially.  We will take our time.